So it’s 3am and I’m sitting wide awake, eating doritos and thinking how I wish I was a big enough deal to have a FAQ page. I’ve established that I’m most certainly not, but this could possibly be all the more reason to create one. Right? RIGHT? Just go along with it. Stroke my ego hair. Thanks! So here you go. A list of frequently asked questions. By frequently I mean have been asked recently, and by recently I mean probably once in my life ever.

Q: If you could go back in time 10 years and tell your younger self something, what would it be?

A: Stop using so much mayonnaise.

Q: What’s one thing you own that you should probably throw away, but never will?

A: A chunk of rabbit fur my grandparents gave me when i was like 5. it’s my furry… shutup shutUP!

Q: Why do you save rabbit fur? Do you plan to build a rabbit from spare parts later?

A: Why don’t you stop asking me weird questions?

Q: What color sweatpants are you wearing?

A: Black. Same as yesterday and Sunday.

Q: Would you even consider a diet that consisted only of rotting seafood, but made you not only fit, but absolutely stunning?

A: Not only would I consider it, I would …. yea. I’d consider it. Wait, are you saying i’m not stunning already?

Q: Do you even have to get dressed in the morning or do you just roll out of bed, and think…Yeah…I’m not going out today, so fuck it.

A: Sometimes I don’t even roll out of bed for about 3 hours except to get coffee.

Q: How many hours do you spend writing a day (tweets don’t count)?

A: You’re seriously asking me a math question? I don’t know. Probably 6. Some days 4… I spend an obscenely long time at my computer but I can literally find anything to distract me from doing work.

Q: What do you dunk your grilled cheese in?

A: Grape jelly.

Feel free to ask me anything you feel needs to be on this page. I may or may not answer it, I may or may not add it to this page and I may or may not give a legitimate answer that doesn’t involve sharks, rabbit fur or Richard Simmons.