I feel like we need to talk a little about authenticity and the fact that almost nobody has any, ever.
Every blogger/writer/musician/graphic designer/artist of any kind knows you’re not supposed to be creative and create things with the goal of becoming famous and making millions of dollars through a living doing what you love. Except nowadays, it’s nearly impossible to find a 100% authentic artist who said “screw what everyone else wants, I’m doing to do what I want and if they like it, they’ll come to me.” Need proof? Justin Beiber, Miley Cyrus, Rihanna, Katy Perry and basically any blogger who worries about their site statistics and how many people retweet their blog posts. The statistics will come if you do something that MATTERS, and you’ll feel way better about it. The celebrities I’m referring to set ridiculous standards in regards to music, and others try to be like them which is actually pretty easy considering they’re talentless and anyone can make some shit about cupcakes set to autotune. Standards are being set by talentless people and that’s the problem. Justin Beiber might be stupid successful, but that doesn’t mean he’s providing us with something we’ve never seen. We’ve heard the lyrics, we’ve heard the message and we’ve seen the same shitty haircut on every member of Green Day and Fall Out Boy. It’s the same thing in a new package and it’s constructed simply out of what people will pay money for without thinking twice. I mean, is he really even a human when it all comes down to it? Yes, this is the post where I reveal that Justin Beiber is a zombie. A zombie with bad hair.
I’ve know a lot of people that have started a blog or website because they have something to say. They’re usually anonymous or semi-anonymous and write whatever they want. They say the F-word, they talk about horse vaginas and the time a guy used butter as lube and people eat it up because they’re raw and uncensored and are not trying to please anyone, they’re just having fun and saying what they want to say. Even those who aren’t anonymous and censor themselves a little can be respectable if they do it in an original way that shows off their personality and isn’t a carbon copy of the crap being written about on the next domain over.
Some of these people look up to those who are are blogging for a living and making plenty of money off advertisements on their site. And they realize how awesome it would be to do that so they decide to work hard and give it a go. Except they realize they’ll have to be less anonymous because they want it to be THEM, they’re BRAND, and everything they represent. When they speak at conferences about how they created their own BRAND this is the website they’ll refer to, so it has to be different. If they’re less anonymous, they have to change the things they write about. And their tone. And they have to pay for an expensive layout because otherwise nobody will take them seriously. Because all bloggers are wicked good web designers and they never say the word “shitballs” or “slutty horse vagina” and they all go by the same uniformed set of rules. So that’s what they have to do.
And they change. They create a new website that they’re going to make money with and they’ll quit their full-time job and get cute business cards with their blog logo and it’s going to be SO AWESOME! They start crafting and writing posts that will appeal to the masses that read similar blogs to theirs, they create specific categories and themes that will tie into their strategic weekly posts, people will keep coming back each week for the Wonder Wednesday and Funny Friday posts to see what the person has come up with and people will be eating out of their hand and they’ll be totally famous. And then they’ll write a book titled “How to Become a Famous and Awesome Blogger Like Me” and it’ll be on the New York Times Bestseller list and they’ll be on Oprah talking about how blogging will change the world, and they’ll reveal a few secrets about their success that involve “stay true to yourself” and “don’t let anyone tell you what you can and can’t do,” except for the fact that they’re a total hypocrite because the very thing they did was change everything that made them awesome in order to make money and do what people wanted so they could quit their job and “insert fabricated talent here” for a living.
Does anyone even get what I’m saying? There are a million blogs out there and 98 percent of them are the same carbon copy as the next except from another person’s eyes. Nobody wants to hear what you had for breakfast and nobody wants to hear you make fun of the same politicians for the 48th time.
And then, AND THEN, all these people get cocky and start thinking they’re writers. I mean, anyone can write, right? They have a blog and they love doing it and they’re totally passionate about it so why can’t they write for a living? Anyone can. Right, right, RIGHT?!
Wrong, wrong, wrong! This is one of the biggest reasons writing and the journalism field sucks and is so diluted with garbage. While blogging is definitely an excellent platform to start a career, the loads of “I have a blog so I can write and I should make money doing it” is excessive and also diluted. Now these people feel entitled to recognition because they’re decent at something that virtually anyone can do and they enjoy it. This is when the changes start coming in and the work is no longer even theirs because they’re trying to figure out what everyone wants on a blog like theirs and that’s what they’re creating. So they’re not even making anything authentic even though that’s everything they’ve wanted to do; become famous off their creativity and talent that no longer exists.
Regardless of what anyone thinks, the moment your work starts being created to please others is the exact point when it begins to lose authenticity. I understand that life and careers aren’t just free range and we shouldn’t go around saying “fuck what you want, I’m gonna do what I want,” but when you’re doing something you enjoy and then decide to give it a go professionally, you’re going to enjoy it far less once you realize the amount of load that drops from your shoulders as soon as you start doing something that is guaranteed to bring in the masses and attention you want. Even then, you feel you’re taking far less of a risk but the masses still are not even coming in. That’s because someone else is already doing what you are trying to do and probably doing it better because it was their idea. I feel like this paragraph needs a math equation but just thinking of that makes me want to set myself on fire.
If you want to be successful with your creativity, you literally have to ignore everyone else that is already doing what you want to do. Nowadays there is no other way to do it. Because then you won’t be influenced by those who are already successful and you won’t want to do what they’re doing. Not that looking up to people is a bad thing, but there is a gigantic difference between finding idols and mentors and using others hard work as examples of what you want to do and create. If you’re following others, you will wind up making something totally different that isn’t even what you originally set out to do and in the end, you will be far less proud and satisfied.
This blog post was written on a whim because I’ve noticed the number of people trying to make money through blogging, tweeting, whatever and it just isn’t working because you can literally SEE in everything they do that it’s just not THEM, and that they’re struggling to make things just right so people will like it. It’s kind of sad, really because so many people really ARE trying to be what they’re not.
And maybe I am too by writing a post about authenticity. Everyone’s already said all this, haven’t they? What makes me think I can say it in a way that no one else has said it before? Well, I don’t think that, I know this has already been said. However, I feel it’s something that still needs to hit home for people and because of that, I’m going to write it out anyway. So here you go and whatever you do, don’t become a Justin Beiber zombie.
***Disclaimer: This is obnoxiously long. Also, I love my job. If you want to know anything else that I didn’t cover in here (it’s all just babble, really) ask me in the comments and I’ll probably do a better, more constructive and coherent follow-up post***
This post has actually been a long time coming, but considering I’ve had quite a few people asking me about freelancing over the past few days, I figure now is as good a time as ever to write a post covering what I think about working as a full-time freelancer.
So as a lot of you know, I freelance write full time. Contrary to what a lot of people seem to think, I don’t work on the beach with my dog every morning and I don’t spontaneously fly to Paris to sit and have crepes under the Eiffel tower while I type away all the beautiful, creative thoughts that are constantly flooding my brain.
Sure, I could probably do those things, but I don’t. I don’t just sit and type type type a bunch of creative and cute articles and sell them to editors begging for pieces of my work. In reality, I’m up in the middle of the night sweating and opening my laptop back up because I can’t sleep until I’m satisfyingly closer to that deadline looming in a few days. I’m popping Rolaids into my mouth like they’re Skittles because my car insurance payment just bounced thanks to the lowlife client who decided to leave for vacation right after our project ended and conveniently hasn’t received my invoice. I’m yelling at myself as I try to write a blog because I can’t stop writing crappy run-on sentences (see previous sentence). I’m practically punching myself in the face because I just completed a project I was dying to get, but it just doesn’t sound right and I have to turn it in within the hour.
Don’t get me wrong. I love my job more than anything and I am so grateful that I’m able to live in Michigan and work for myself. I’ve done the restaurant work throughout college and I’ve worked in various office environments. I know how shitty it is and whenever I become so frustrated with my current job that I consider throwing my laptop into a pond, I think of the days I had to wake up and put on “business casual” attire and instead snuggle my laptop and gently embrace it. Who couldn’t love this? I DON’T HAVE TO WORK WITH OTHER HUMANS. Incredible.
The thing is that when you work for yourself, everyone else seems to think you’re always on vacation, always able to jump up at the drop of a hat and go on a ski trip, and have all the freedom in the world. Yea, that freedom? It doesn’t exist if you’re self-employed because no matter what you’re doing, you’re working. Whether it’s physically or mentally, you work 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. There is so much uncertainty and stress and it’s hard to not let it get the best of you. And if you think you’re immune to all this because you’re really organized, you’re wrong.
Not only are you writing, but you’re also keeping track of every penny you make for tax purposes, regularly finding work, regularly keeping work, answering emails to clients who don’t realize you’re working for several other people, trying to balance your time to manage all the clients, and oh, finding time to sleep. You have to do it all and it really is equivalent to running a small business.
Since I started freelancing in January, I’ve had at least 20 bloggers ask me how to get involved in the industry. A common misconception is that I started freelancing through blogging. I won’t lie, blogging has helped and encouraged me significantly. Blogging has changed my life in a lot of ways, and if I didn’t blog I probably wouldn’t have talked to people or discovered websites that encouraged me to take the plunge and start freelancing. However, blogging is not what got me the gig. I have a Bachelor’s degree in journalism and communications (I’m also one credit short of having a political science minor but hey, who’s keeping score). I’ve interned at a few local publications, submitted articles to local and school newspapers, and done the run of the mill experience required for a run of the mill journalism student. Believe it or not, I’ve come to learn that having a degree has helped me significantly as I compete in the field of “writers” who just want to make money doing it.
School isn’t everything, but it helps. Anyone can write, but you’ll have a harder time getting into the industry if you go in saying “oh hi, I have a blog so I can write and I have a lot of ambition too.” Everyone wants to write, everyone thinks they’re a writer, and everyone thinks they have some sort of past experience that deems them qualified and relevant. Just because you’re an aspiring writer that’s dabbled in poetry and short stories doesn’t mean you’re going to make money with a writing career.
I know that’s not what you want to hear, but it’s true. The writing industry has become so diluted on both ends, and we can thank the good ole Internets for that. Everyone thinks they can start writing for someone, and the truth is, if you can construct a coherent sentence, you probably can. There are people out there with websites dedicated to making money off advertisements. They’ll pay a freelancer a couple bucks to write an article using specific keywords, then put it on their page and rake in the advertising revenue from all the hits they get off search engines. If you want to write that shit, go ahead. Leave the decent projects for me.
If you want to get involved with freelancing, here are some legitimate tips. By legitimate I mean better than the crap you read above this, and by tips, I mean things you should do otherwise you’ll probably fail:
Don’t quit your day job unless you’re contemplating suicide. In that case, still don’t quit your job. See a shrink instead.
Don’t question me regarding why I quit my day job and then encourage you not to. No, I don’t regret doing it. I just saw it as what I was supposed to do. I didn’t see another option.
Register on Elance.com. This is one of the best websites for finding freelance work. It’s not just for writers, either. Admin support, web designers, computer programmers and other skills are also contracted out through Elance.
Start a column on Examiner.com based on something you’re passionate about (or just know a lot about). If you write your column well, you can use it as work samples and I’ll tell you right now people love that shit. Also, if you DO apply, list me as your referral Examiner (my name/title is found in the link above) so I get 50 bucks. 
. No really, do it. Remember that story up there about Rolaids and car insurance? Exactly.
Don’t be afraid to start at the bottom. Your first ever freelance gig probably won’t be co-writing the next vampire bestseller. It’ll probably be on something really stupid like insurance.
Remember that when you freelance, there are two types of time: Time that brings in money and time that does not bring in money. If you don’t work, there’s no way for you to receive money. Sick days? Nope. Vacation days? Nope. Holiday pay? Nope. Overtime bonuses? Never. If you don’t work, you don’t get paid.
And here are a few things to keep in mind, otherwise they’ll really catch you by surprise:
Your friends and family will constantly wonder what you DO during the day. Since you don’t have a “real job,” can you babysit? Can you pick up something for them? Can you bake an extra set of cupcakes for the family party? Everyone else is at WORK, you know.
Not only will they expect you to be available 24/7, but if they find out you’re awake at 7am, they’ll ask why in the WORLD you’re up?! YOU WORK FROM HOME!! Don’t bother explaining them the amount of work you have to do, either. It will not compute.
Oh, and then when you tell them you write for a living, they’re going to ask “what do you write about?” and you’ll want to wring their neck because it’s so much more complicated than that and HOW HARD IS THAT TO UNDERSTAND?
Expect clients that expect you to know about one thing just because you know about another, and to also write them a scholarly article about it by TONIGHT. Oh, you liked the articles I wrote you about the best photography vacations in the country? GREAT! However, no, I cannot write an article for you about the various breeds of salamanders across the country.
Expect to feel like a jerk when you’re constantly sending payment reminders and trying to get ahold of the dude that owes you 700 bucks. However, you have to do it no matter how hard it makes you cringe.
The thing is, freelancing can really suck. However, it will never, ever suck as much as working for the man.
Sometimes/always I procrastinate and despite the fact that I set daily goals for what I need to get done for my job, it’s rare that I actually complete it. However, if I don’t set these goals my day will turn into a giant clusterfuck of a mess and I’ll have no idea what I have left to do and when it needs to be done. This works because even if I don’t finish everything, I can pile it on to the next day and complete even less than I did the day before. And then once Friday rolls around I freak out, wake up at 4am because I’m thinking about things and can’t sleep, and then get almost everything done by deadline. (Keyword: Almost)
I realize how that makes me sound like a total failure and yea, sometimes the lack of productivity I’ve displayed would say I totally am.
Except for today. Yesterday I got so overwhelmed because I took on two jobs that are sort of huge and both HAVE to be done this week. They’re both due Sunday, but I have so much going on this weekend that I want to get them done by Thursday so on Friday I can do Yoga on the Detroit Riverfront and enjoy Backstreet Boys in the evening WHAT WHAAAT!!!
Anysomething, today I woke up at 7:30am and got to work. I figured I wouldn’t get everything done until at least 5pm and there was NO WAY I could fall behind, so I needed to not sleep in, get my ass out of bed and do things. And so I did.
I met my daily quota at noon. This is the first time I’ve done that in forever so you’d think I’d be all “I’M THE SHIT YO!”, right? I took a break to start working on a vision board, it turned into vision bored because my attention span is that of tree bark, so I sat on my porch with my dog for awhile (Clint Eastwood style, get off my lawn) and listened to the neighbor kids in the pool. I swear every time the little one yelled “boogie board!” it sounded like she was yelling “fucking whore!” and I snorted thinking about that coming out of her mouth since she is identical to Shirley Temple. Ahh, to be young again.
So really, what the hell was I going to do with the rest of the day? It’s like 2pm. I’m not procrastinating anything, I finished everything I need to finish, and I’m on my game. Yet I still feel stressed out. So I go back to work and I do the exact same amount of work I did this morning. Yea, you heard me. Today I did double my work quota.
However, am I jumping up and down and shitting rainbows over it? I’m getting there. I feel good about what I’ve done today but I still feel like I could do more. I think about the bills I have to pay and how I should do this EVERYDAY if I want to get ahead on my finances (even though doing this every single day would cause my entire body to put itself into a traumatic stress coma) and I think about how I can probably always work harder, better, faster, stronger (cue: Kanye) and use my time more efficiently.
That’s the biggest thing I’ve learned by being my own boss. When you’re working for yourself, you don’t do the typical 9-5 thing where you have duties you have to get done and then go home, eat thai food with your boyfriend and drink 3 bottles of wine without thinking about work. While you have the luxury of being able to eat thai food with your boyfriend and drink 3 bottles of wine any time you damn well please, the whole time you’re doing it you’ll probably have work on the back of your mind. You feel like you constantly have to be plugged into your email in case anything urgent comes through and you need to jump on an opportunity/issue/something that went wrong that might be in your hands but probably isn’t. You’ll go out with your friends but will think about work constantly, at least until you realize vodka sodas are only $1.25 so it won’t even take you $10 to completely forget about work for a few hours and dance yourself into a sweat pile. Then you’ll drink $10 worth of $1.25 vodka sodas, dance yourself into a sweat pile and be so hungover the next day you have to spend the entire day in bed instead of doing the work you put off the day before so you could go out with your friends.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Feel free to want to punch me and shake me and tell me to shut up because I’m really damn lucky to have this opportunity and be able to comfortably work for myself full-time. Because that’s all true and I keep telling myself that, and no matter how much it stresses me out at times I wouldn’t trade it for the world. I love the surprises, I love being kept on my toes, and I love the freedom even though figuratively, I have absolutely none of that.
Whatever, I did double my work today. If this doesn’t call for double chocolate chunk ice cream and a little self-loathing while I sit in a sugar coma, then I don’t know what does. NOM!
I was going to write a post about how I’m incredibly busy with a few new jobs and that’s why my blogging has slacked and been total crap lately, but then I realized as I’m writing this defense, I am sitting in bed in my underwear, eating buffalo chicken dip and watching Ellen. Also, KeepingYouAwake is IM’ing me telling me to take a shower.
Irony aside, I am really busy lately. I just got 2 big projects to work on throughout the next month so my writing schedule is really packed.
I swear I’m busy. I’ll be back with something witty/snarky/creative soon, I promise. If the research and writing I’m doing on “squirting” for a sex book doesn’t suck me dry, that is. (TWSS. I know there’s one in there.)
DO YOU EVER GET REALLY IRRITATED BY PEOPLE WHO TYPE EVERYTHING IN CAPS? EITHER THEY ARE REALLY ANGRY AND FEEL AS IF IT’S GOING TO FURTHER THEIR POINT, OR THEY ARE BORDERLINE RETARDED AND CAN’T FIGURE OUT THAT ALL THEY HAVE TO DO IS MOVE THEIR FINGER 7/16 OF AN INCH TO THE LEFT TO TURN OFF THE CAPS LOCK. I HAVE AN AUNT THAT I DON’T EVEN LIKE THAT ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK JUST SO WE COULD BE FARMVILLE NEIGHBORS AND SHE TYPES EVERYTHING IN CAPS. THINGS LIKE “IS FARMVILLE DOWN IN SOUTHEAST MICHIGAN? ALL MY LOCAL FRIENDS ARE HAVING TROUBLE AND CAN’T GET ON BUT MY SISTER IN FLORIDA CAN GET ON JUST FINE.”
SOMETIMES I TYPE IN CAPS. USUALLY DURING GCHAT CONVERSATIONS WITH TRAVIS WHEN HE TELLS ME SOMETHING REALLY EXCITING LIKE THE FACT THAT HE’S GOING TO BE ON THE TYRA BANKS SHOW. THAT TOTALLY DESERVES CAPSLOCK PRAISE.
TRAVIS AND I GOT TO TALKING ONE DAY WHEN WE WERE BOTH SQUEALING AT EACH OTHER IN EXCITEMENT AND REALIZED WE WERE BOTH TALKING IN ALL CAPS TO EMPHASIZE OUR EXCITEMENT. IT LED TO REALIZING HOW WE GO ABOUT TYPING THINGS IN CAPS.
WHEN YOU TYPE SOMETHING IN CAPS DO YOU TYPE IT WHILE ACTUALLY JUST HOLDING DOWN THE LEFT SHIFT KEY, THINKING YOU’RE ONLY TYPING A WORD OR THREE AND THEN CAN RELEASE IT, THEN REALIZE WHAT YOU WANT TO SAY IS WAY MORE EXCITING THAN YOU THOUGHT AND IT ALL HAS TO BE IN CAPS, AND THEN THINK “MAN I REALLY SHOULD LET GO OF THE LEFT SHIFT KEY AND JUST HIT CAPS LOCK SINCE I’M TYPING SO MUCH IN CAPS AND MY FINGER IS STARTING TO CRAMP AND I HAVE TO DO A WEIRD SORT OF ALTERED BEND OUT OF HOME ROW TO REACH THE “A” KEY THAT WOULD NORMALLY BE TYPED WITH MY LEFT PINKY, WHICH IS INSTEAD OCCUPYING THE LEFT SHIFT KEY.” BUT YOU DON’T DO IT BECAUSE YOU’RE LIKE “OK ANY WORD NOW I’M GONNA STOP TYPING IN ALL CAPS AND I CAN LET GO SO MAKING THE SWITCH TO CAPS LOCK IS TOTALLY POINTLESS.” BUT THEN IT’S NOT AND YOU JUST KEEP FUCKING TYPING IN ALL CAPS BECAUSE THE FACT THAT YOUR FRIEND IS GOING TO BE ON THE TYRA BANKS SHOW IS REALLY EXCITING AND EVERYTHING YOU TYPE ABOUT IT SHOULD PROBABLY BE IN ALL CAPS. SO BASICALLY WHAT YOU DID WAS TYPE A HUGE ASS PARAGRAPH IN ALL CAPS IN ORDER TO EMPHASIZE YOUR EXCITEMENT, AND INSTEAD OF USING THE CAPS LOCK KEY YOU JUST USED THE LEFT SHIFT KEY THE WHOLE TIME EVEN THOUGH IT WAS A REAL PAIN IN THE ASS AND CAUSED YOU TO OVERANALYZE WHY YOU DON’T JUST MOVE YOUR GOD DAMNED FINGER.
ANYONE ELSE DO THAT?
Yea. Me either.
You know how sometimes you’ll take a huge plunge and everyone wigs and they’re all “but what if it doesn’t work out what are you gonna do?” and suddenly you start thinking “shit. Maybe I need a backup plan. Everyone seems to think I’m crazy because I don’t have one…” and then you start to think of one and realize it totally sucks because it’s not even what you wanted to do in the first place?
Well aside from the overwhelming support I’ve received from my friends and family regarding my freelancing plunge, which I know is NOTHING compared to the plunges others take, there are still people who think that when it’s all said and done, I need a back up plan. That the rug will be pulled out from under me at any minute and I’ll have nowhere to go. That I need a part-time job somewhere to ensure I have something “when” writing gets slow, bills get high(er) and I’m starting to freak out (more).
I don’t want to make a back up plan. I don’t want it to become THE plan as soon as things get tough and I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place. I don’t want to think “oh, well this is harder than I thought, I’ll secure myself a little tighter with this other nonsense I have sitting behind me for comfort. Just a little, for, you know, security.” I don’t want it to become the plan and one day before I know it I’m back on square one and gave up on my dream because things started to get tough and I freaked and grabbed my blankie.
I want to struggle (a little). I want there to be times where I realize I need to hunker down and crank out some work if I want to pay my student loan. I want to make myself nauseous from the procrastination I’m doing to myself, and I want there to be days when I’m up until 4am finishing up work because I sat around all day reading blogs instead of making money. I want to coordinate weeks where I do three times as much work so I can go visit out-of-town friends the following week without having to get anything done. I want to leave no trace of evidence that I work from home – a perfectly made bed, folded laundry, and dust-free furniture. I want to drink entire pots of coffee and give myself the shakes so I stay up all day and finish what I need to do.
If I have complete security and comfort, which so many of us see as a level of “achievement,” like we’ve all suddenly reached our goals and can sit and be there and stay there, what am I going to get out of it besides the cash? What’s going to teach me, tempt me, freak me out, or make me squirm of discomfort? I know in the end we all want that feeling, but thinking of the day where I sit back and say “yep, this is it. This is where I’m at and how it’s going to be for the rest of like, ever…” makes me realize how I’m not ready to be there. Maybe it’s because I’m too financially irresponsible and too obsessed with writing my thoughts on a blog for free rather than writing for as many paid publications as I can, but when I think of the second things start getting too settled, I get depressed. I try to find a new hobby, I realize the only thing I may have to do out of the ordinary for that day is the dishes, I get overly excited about TV shows, and then I realize that the only thing breaking up my standard, settled, planned-out and ordinary week is American Idol, and I get super depressed because really, American Idol should not excite me in the “oh good, my life has something new and exciting in it” way. If it’s the only thing changing up, I’m going to dictate that my life = boring, and I’m going to find something that has to change. Last time I started to feel this way, I moved out of my boyfriend’s apartment and we ended the relationship. A few months later, I started to feel it again so I quit my job and started freelancing. I wonder what I’ll do 6 months from now. Predictions?
Content is not good for me right now, and all a back up plan will give me is the chance of grabbing ahold of that feeling. I have no desire to feel absolutely at ease with where everything is right now, therefore I don’t need a backup plan. I may have failed math 3 times in college, but I can still figure out the logic here. I feel content with things when I’m not completely settled and content.
Also, I want to say thanks to everyone who has encouraged me and giving me so much support in making this decision, I know I talk about it a lot and you probably think “shutup and go write, woman” but I appreciate all the positive support and feedback I’ve received. I feel like Kristan was more excited about it than I was, which is awesome considering she is a writer I really admire. I don’t think I would have taken this plunge if it wasn’t for blogging and how strongly it’s impacted my life. I’m sure many of you know what I’m talking about and have had it affect you in the same way. So here’s a big virtual hug and a smooch, and that’s all the schmoop you’re getting today!
