No matter how hard we sometimes try to stay anonymous, unbiased and relatively unopinionated, I hope by now we’ve all realized as bloggers that it’s completely impossible.
I tried being anonymous, and that was an exercise in futility. I like showing off my hair. I try very hard to keep my opinions on touchy topics (politics, religion) out of my blog, and sometimes that is hard. I like to think that while I’m hostile and snarky, I’m relatively unopinionated and don’t stir up heated debates on heavy topics.
Thanks to KeepingYouAwake, I’ve discovered Amplicate.com, a site that gathers Twitter information (peace out, anonymity!) and compiles lists of things you like and don’t like in hopes of one day taking you to dinner and serenading you with a song about your favorite things.
I figured if I typed in my username, GingerMandy, there wouldn’t be much information, and if there was information, it would be wrong. Here is what the site decided about my likes and dislikes.
Things that rock:
Tacos – um, duh… who doesn’t like tacos?
Blogging – indeed.
Peyton Manning – sure?
Nom – nomnomNOM.
Things that suck:
Bacon – determined by my tweet “I hate bacon.” Well done, Amplicate.
Mexico – but where else would I get the tacos?
Japan – bullshit! I love Asians. And sushi.
Milk – not a fan. Makes you fat.
Dave – ex boyfriend. Again, not a fan.
Kids – determined by my tweet “I hate kids.”
Poetry – determined by my tweet “I hate poetry.”
Humanity – determined by my tweet “I hate humanity.”
I guess I didn’t really make the search too difficult, did I?
It also recommended other people I may get along with according to our interests. My list may or may not have included P Diddy, Ryan Seacrest and Nick Cannon. Apparently we all love pig and dairy free breakfasts. Word.
Here’s what I have to say, Amplicate. Spot on. Spot. Freaking. On.
Now who still wants to be my friend?
Yesterday Frickineh was accused of being racist. On her Twitter, she posted this:
“Hey Asian people? Please stop confirming the Asians can’t drive stereotype. Every fucking day, I swear.”
I don’t see anything racist about it, I mean, she even capitalized the term Asian. I wouldn’t have gone that far.
Anyasian, a little while later some troll named Hana came along and was all “woah, racist much?” So obviously Frickineh got a little pissed and told me, so she was all “no, I’m not racist YOU DON’T KNOW ME” and I chimed in with some “woah, irrelevant much?” Because that’s all I had in me.
Before you know it she’s saying we’re all mean and hurtful and insensitive and shouldn’t judge people or stereotype races and how she should just apologize for the fact that her comment hurt someone. Frickineh made things a bit softer by bringing up that all her black friends like watermelon, and this fact was conformed by TheOddDuck, thankfully. He loves him some watermelon, he even texted his Mom asking if she’d ever waste watermelon and she was all “fuck no, I raised you better than that.” Word. Then he said how he doesn’t know how anyone couldn’t love watermelon, except like, robots or something. So everyone needs to know TheOddDuck is stereotyping robots into soulless creatures who don’t enjoy fruit.
I tried making things better for Hana by explaining to her that when Frickineh and I first started talking, she assumed my carpet matched my curtains because I’m a redhead, and that’s untrue, but she automatically assumed that about me just because I have red hair, so that’s being stereotypical, but I still wasn’t offended by it because I’m not sensitive and I don’t care what people think about my crotch. THINK WHAT YOU WANT, PEOPLE. She said it wasn’t even the same at all, and that assuming people with red hair have red hair everywhere else is like assuming every person has 10 toes. So now my crotch is as likely to be firey as it is for any old human to have 10 toes. Which is totally wrong BECAUSE IT’S NOT. So I came to the conclusion that Hana is racist and biased against gingers and thinks we’re all a bunch of firecrotches. Which is only true about Lindsay Lohan. She gives us such a bad name.
Then Hana tried defending herself saying she was only speaking up for Asians since most of them don’t speak up for themselves, and isn’t that a stereotype as well? Frickineh proved that stereotype to be wrong when she was all “oh yea? What about Pearl Harbor?” Because last she checked, they were pretty damn outspoken that day.
This started irritating our followers, they were tweeting us about how now they really want some Chinese food and egg rolls after hearing our banter, so we’re sorry if we made you guys hungry, we were just trying to get our point across to Hana. She even said something like “oh you think your remarks are funny? Funny like teaching a Mexican to read?” And Frickineh was all “um actually that is funny, because I did teach Mexicans to read before and when you barely speak the same language as each other it can be pretty entertaining.” Then everything was all “What do you call a Mexican baptism? A bean dip” and “did you hear about the 2 car pile up in the Wal Mart parking lot? 50 Mexicans died.”
Can o’ Worms. Do not open near us.
Lastly she told me something about how I shouldn’t speak for Asians and I should let them speak for themselves and decide what offends them, so I asked her if she was Asian (since she was speaking for them) and she said it didn’t have anything to do with anything, and I was like “um YEA it does because you’re assuming all Asians get offended when we say they can’t drive,” and she said she’s not East Asian, which is the type of Asian we know here in the states. So since I’m an ignorant American, this led me to the conclusion that she’s a different type of Asian than the yellow Power Ranger. Also, she can’t assume all Asians would get offended by Frickineh’s comment.
All this and she never even cared about me being called a firecrotch. She said it’s an assumption that someone has the same color hair all over their body, and people make assumptions about others all the time. Aren’t assumptions and stereotypes kinda similar? Especially since it’s not like I have red arm hair, duh…. people are so ignorant.
All that came out of this was that I winded up having lots of Asian porn companies following me. Also, Hana ended up sending Frickineh’s initial tweet to CAAM, the Center for Asian American Media. I sure hope they don’t kidnap her and take her to an island like in Battle Royale. Just kidding again, that movie was just super awesome and happened to be about Asians. I can’t not link it.
Lesson to be learned, kids – don’t get in fights about serious topics like racism over the Internet. Every time you throw a stab, God kills a kitten. And then he makes Chinese food.
Just kidding!
Actually, Midget Man Of Steel can sum it up better than me.
I’m sorry.
And as a final farewell, I’ll leave you with an objective poll to take part in.
***Disclaimer: no part of anything we said was intended to truly be offensive. I know this disclaimer totally sucks the fun out of everything, but I feel it needs to be said anyway. Frickineh and I are not racist. We love Asians. We love everyone. So please, relax.***
