I like to think I’m a pretty smart person. Well, let me back that train up. I like to think I have a lot of common sense. Which is actually smart. I mean, I did not do well in school but that’s not because I COULDN’T, it’s because I didn’t really care. I learned the rules of the road through important things like life and internships and getting into bars under the age of 21. Thanks to all of that, I like to think I’m smart and have a decent head on my shoulders.
However. There are some things I will never understand no matter how much someone tries to explain it to me. I just freaking can’t and it’s not that I absolutely hate not understanding it, I hate that some of these things even exist (with the exception of number 3). Like, why are the rest of these things even things? And without further ado, here is my list of things I don’t understand and then you’ll try to explain to me in the comments. Disclaimer: I say “things” way too much in this.
1. Quantum physics. What? Seriously. WHAT. Steve tried explaining to me “the basics of quantum physics” and what I gathered is that this stuff is so specific and so deep into the realm of things I already don’t know (math, science, things involving numbers and things you can’t see with the naked eye) that I can’t comprehend how it improves the world or does anything beneficial. It doesn’t make sense and WHY IS THIS INTERESTING? He tried, and failed.
2. Why people think it’s OK to make fun of Sarah Palin’s child for being retarded but would gasp and snarl if someone made fun of Obama’s children for being black. Neither are OK to do so why, the people who claim anyone who didn’t vote for Obama is racist, do you find it OK to make fun of a child with down’s syndrome? It makes my stomach turn every time it happens and for the record I don’t like either of these individuals. I hate everyone equally, remember? Also, let’s not get political and stupid in the comments.
3. The Internet. That’s all I’m going to say about that. I have no idea how it works but I’m really glad it does.
4. Ear gauges. Alright, listen. I’m all about looking like a freak and thinking it’s awesome. I don’t, but I get why people do, sure. I understand tattoos, I understand weird piercings, but I DO NOT UNDERSTAND EAR GAUGES. You do realize that isn’t going to close without surgery, right? I mean, you’re better off getting a tattoo on your earlobe. Really, you are. Once you get a job (if you ever do looking like THAT, son) you cannot wear dinner plates in your ears, you know that? And I know, I KNOW, you’ll just put skin colored gauges in. You know what’ll happen? Someone (me) will walk into a gas station (because that’s the most advanced job you’ll get), see you standing at the counter, and think “oh that poor kid must have some awful deformity with his ears. What a shitty life.” And then that person (me) will go up to the counter and realize you have giant “skin colored” plugs in your ears and instead of feeling sorry for you I’ll think “man, I really wish that kid would stick his lip over his head and swallow.”
Sometimes/always I procrastinate and despite the fact that I set daily goals for what I need to get done for my job, it’s rare that I actually complete it. However, if I don’t set these goals my day will turn into a giant clusterfuck of a mess and I’ll have no idea what I have left to do and when it needs to be done. This works because even if I don’t finish everything, I can pile it on to the next day and complete even less than I did the day before. And then once Friday rolls around I freak out, wake up at 4am because I’m thinking about things and can’t sleep, and then get almost everything done by deadline. (Keyword: Almost)
I realize how that makes me sound like a total failure and yea, sometimes the lack of productivity I’ve displayed would say I totally am.
Except for today. Yesterday I got so overwhelmed because I took on two jobs that are sort of huge and both HAVE to be done this week. They’re both due Sunday, but I have so much going on this weekend that I want to get them done by Thursday so on Friday I can do Yoga on the Detroit Riverfront and enjoy Backstreet Boys in the evening WHAT WHAAAT!!!
Anysomething, today I woke up at 7:30am and got to work. I figured I wouldn’t get everything done until at least 5pm and there was NO WAY I could fall behind, so I needed to not sleep in, get my ass out of bed and do things. And so I did.
I met my daily quota at noon. This is the first time I’ve done that in forever so you’d think I’d be all “I’M THE SHIT YO!”, right? I took a break to start working on a vision board, it turned into vision bored because my attention span is that of tree bark, so I sat on my porch with my dog for awhile (Clint Eastwood style, get off my lawn) and listened to the neighbor kids in the pool. I swear every time the little one yelled “boogie board!” it sounded like she was yelling “fucking whore!” and I snorted thinking about that coming out of her mouth since she is identical to Shirley Temple. Ahh, to be young again.
So really, what the hell was I going to do with the rest of the day? It’s like 2pm. I’m not procrastinating anything, I finished everything I need to finish, and I’m on my game. Yet I still feel stressed out. So I go back to work and I do the exact same amount of work I did this morning. Yea, you heard me. Today I did double my work quota.
However, am I jumping up and down and shitting rainbows over it? I’m getting there. I feel good about what I’ve done today but I still feel like I could do more. I think about the bills I have to pay and how I should do this EVERYDAY if I want to get ahead on my finances (even though doing this every single day would cause my entire body to put itself into a traumatic stress coma) and I think about how I can probably always work harder, better, faster, stronger (cue: Kanye) and use my time more efficiently.
That’s the biggest thing I’ve learned by being my own boss. When you’re working for yourself, you don’t do the typical 9-5 thing where you have duties you have to get done and then go home, eat thai food with your boyfriend and drink 3 bottles of wine without thinking about work. While you have the luxury of being able to eat thai food with your boyfriend and drink 3 bottles of wine any time you damn well please, the whole time you’re doing it you’ll probably have work on the back of your mind. You feel like you constantly have to be plugged into your email in case anything urgent comes through and you need to jump on an opportunity/issue/something that went wrong that might be in your hands but probably isn’t. You’ll go out with your friends but will think about work constantly, at least until you realize vodka sodas are only $1.25 so it won’t even take you $10 to completely forget about work for a few hours and dance yourself into a sweat pile. Then you’ll drink $10 worth of $1.25 vodka sodas, dance yourself into a sweat pile and be so hungover the next day you have to spend the entire day in bed instead of doing the work you put off the day before so you could go out with your friends.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Feel free to want to punch me and shake me and tell me to shut up because I’m really damn lucky to have this opportunity and be able to comfortably work for myself full-time. Because that’s all true and I keep telling myself that, and no matter how much it stresses me out at times I wouldn’t trade it for the world. I love the surprises, I love being kept on my toes, and I love the freedom even though figuratively, I have absolutely none of that.
Whatever, I did double my work today. If this doesn’t call for double chocolate chunk ice cream and a little self-loathing while I sit in a sugar coma, then I don’t know what does. NOM!
I was going to write a post about how I’m incredibly busy with a few new jobs and that’s why my blogging has slacked and been total crap lately, but then I realized as I’m writing this defense, I am sitting in bed in my underwear, eating buffalo chicken dip and watching Ellen. Also, KeepingYouAwake is IM’ing me telling me to take a shower.
Irony aside, I am really busy lately. I just got 2 big projects to work on throughout the next month so my writing schedule is really packed.
I swear I’m busy. I’ll be back with something witty/snarky/creative soon, I promise. If the research and writing I’m doing on “squirting” for a sex book doesn’t suck me dry, that is. (TWSS. I know there’s one in there.)
DO YOU EVER GET REALLY IRRITATED BY PEOPLE WHO TYPE EVERYTHING IN CAPS? EITHER THEY ARE REALLY ANGRY AND FEEL AS IF IT’S GOING TO FURTHER THEIR POINT, OR THEY ARE BORDERLINE RETARDED AND CAN’T FIGURE OUT THAT ALL THEY HAVE TO DO IS MOVE THEIR FINGER 7/16 OF AN INCH TO THE LEFT TO TURN OFF THE CAPS LOCK. I HAVE AN AUNT THAT I DON’T EVEN LIKE THAT ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK JUST SO WE COULD BE FARMVILLE NEIGHBORS AND SHE TYPES EVERYTHING IN CAPS. THINGS LIKE “IS FARMVILLE DOWN IN SOUTHEAST MICHIGAN? ALL MY LOCAL FRIENDS ARE HAVING TROUBLE AND CAN’T GET ON BUT MY SISTER IN FLORIDA CAN GET ON JUST FINE.”
SOMETIMES I TYPE IN CAPS. USUALLY DURING GCHAT CONVERSATIONS WITH TRAVIS WHEN HE TELLS ME SOMETHING REALLY EXCITING LIKE THE FACT THAT HE’S GOING TO BE ON THE TYRA BANKS SHOW. THAT TOTALLY DESERVES CAPSLOCK PRAISE.
TRAVIS AND I GOT TO TALKING ONE DAY WHEN WE WERE BOTH SQUEALING AT EACH OTHER IN EXCITEMENT AND REALIZED WE WERE BOTH TALKING IN ALL CAPS TO EMPHASIZE OUR EXCITEMENT. IT LED TO REALIZING HOW WE GO ABOUT TYPING THINGS IN CAPS.
WHEN YOU TYPE SOMETHING IN CAPS DO YOU TYPE IT WHILE ACTUALLY JUST HOLDING DOWN THE LEFT SHIFT KEY, THINKING YOU’RE ONLY TYPING A WORD OR THREE AND THEN CAN RELEASE IT, THEN REALIZE WHAT YOU WANT TO SAY IS WAY MORE EXCITING THAN YOU THOUGHT AND IT ALL HAS TO BE IN CAPS, AND THEN THINK “MAN I REALLY SHOULD LET GO OF THE LEFT SHIFT KEY AND JUST HIT CAPS LOCK SINCE I’M TYPING SO MUCH IN CAPS AND MY FINGER IS STARTING TO CRAMP AND I HAVE TO DO A WEIRD SORT OF ALTERED BEND OUT OF HOME ROW TO REACH THE “A” KEY THAT WOULD NORMALLY BE TYPED WITH MY LEFT PINKY, WHICH IS INSTEAD OCCUPYING THE LEFT SHIFT KEY.” BUT YOU DON’T DO IT BECAUSE YOU’RE LIKE “OK ANY WORD NOW I’M GONNA STOP TYPING IN ALL CAPS AND I CAN LET GO SO MAKING THE SWITCH TO CAPS LOCK IS TOTALLY POINTLESS.” BUT THEN IT’S NOT AND YOU JUST KEEP FUCKING TYPING IN ALL CAPS BECAUSE THE FACT THAT YOUR FRIEND IS GOING TO BE ON THE TYRA BANKS SHOW IS REALLY EXCITING AND EVERYTHING YOU TYPE ABOUT IT SHOULD PROBABLY BE IN ALL CAPS. SO BASICALLY WHAT YOU DID WAS TYPE A HUGE ASS PARAGRAPH IN ALL CAPS IN ORDER TO EMPHASIZE YOUR EXCITEMENT, AND INSTEAD OF USING THE CAPS LOCK KEY YOU JUST USED THE LEFT SHIFT KEY THE WHOLE TIME EVEN THOUGH IT WAS A REAL PAIN IN THE ASS AND CAUSED YOU TO OVERANALYZE WHY YOU DON’T JUST MOVE YOUR GOD DAMNED FINGER.
ANYONE ELSE DO THAT?
Yea. Me either.
Sometimes I am accused of being too bitchy.
I get it. Really, I do… I have an attitude and I’m aware. There are plenty of people out there ‘coppin ‘tudes that toss around phrases like “I’m a bitch and PROUD OF IT mmm-hmm!”. I am certainly not one of those people, and all I ask is that God strike me dead if I ever do adapt that behavior.
There are more times than I care to admit when I see my attitude as a fault rather than a blessing. I can appear negative, cynical, or crabby. In many instances, I am. It’s the morning… what do you expect people? I’d say 90 percent of the time I toss in a dash of sarcasm when I get fiesty. I’ll do it in an attempt to lighten the mood or show that much of what I say is tongue-in-cheek and slightly less stabby than it may come across. Most people understand this, they understand me, and they understand my “snarkastic” way of speaking. They know I am incredibly opinionated and will throw it out there even when it’s probably not necessary, but they know that many times I’m doing it for the sake of being entertaining… or for the sake of being bitchy because why is that girl grinding on her barstool next to that guy like that? And why is she wearing a trucker hat and grabbing her boobs? Jesus, what a skunt.
There are people who don’t understand this and who see me as an over opinionated, self-centered, obnoxious ass crabby bitch. I could say “fuck you people, I don’t care what you think,” and I do feel that way to a point, but I also want to make it clear that 90 percent of the time I am not trying to come across this way. I want to be liked by the majority of the population. I don’t want people to see me as a negative brat who has something stabby to say about everything and sees the glass as half empty. It should be obvious that I see the glass with some water in it, and then I wonder why anyone is questioning how much water is in there. Is anyone going to drink it? If it’s not full enough for you then fill it up, damn it.
Anyramble, I’ve also come to realize that many of these people are boring. They fail to catch subtleties in conversation that are meant to be funny or sarcastic, and they take it all serious. Then they look at you weird and everything suddenly becomes awkward and you’re all staring at each other like “who farted?” but if you actually come out and say “who farted?” to try and lighten the mood, they’ll immediately say “NOT ME, I DON’T EVEN SMELL ANYTHING.” as if someone really farted. Because they didn’t get it amidst all of their non-joke-getting glory.
Basically all I want to do is make a few things clear. Having an fiesty attitude is part of who I am. I’ve tried to fight it and tried to tone it down, and it isn’t going to happen. I’ve learned when and where to draw the line, so what else do I need? I’ve heard things like “well if you act like that and always voice your opinion, no one’s going to like you.” I’ve heard I’ll never land a man with that attitude. I’ve even heard no one will want to be my friend. And that’s alright. You can’t make everyone happy and you can’t be loved by everyone. I have friends who are just like me and completely understand me and adore me, and I have friends who don’t understand me in the slightest way but manage to love me anyway. It’s all gravy. I’m not trying to be Mother frickin’ Theresa here, so I don’t have to go out of my way to kiss ass and come across as a “good person” just in case they don’t appreciate the way I am. Unless you want to pay me to write. In that case, did you lose weight? You look fabulous. No, really. You look amazing. Here, put your feet up. Get cozy. Now what kind of deal are we negotiating?
I never read Brandy’s blog until recently when I found her plea through other bloggers asking for her thoughts and prayers as she found out her Hot Awesome Dude was diagnosed with Multiple Myeloma.
Words can’t even describe how amazing and powerful the blogging world can be in times like this. Bloggers from all around the country have come together to help Brandy and HAD with what they’re going through, and I can’t pass up the opportunity to promote the work of such an amazing group of people, because quite honestly, seeing work in action like this done by people I’ve gotten to know and become so close to makes me incredibly proud to be part of this blogging community. It brings an incredible amount of purpose to what we do, and shows that we are capable of doing more than whining about our real jobs and spouting off dirty jokes. Sometimes.
From Lilu’s blog:
We are raising money for the Multiple Myeloma Research Fund in his name. For the price of a cinnamon dolce latte, half-caf, hold the whip, you can be part of an effort to cure a disease that affects approximately 750,000 people worldwide.
Every dollar brings us a dollar closer to a cure. And every donation brings a sliver of hope to a girl who needs all the hope she can get.
Love Harder.
What You Can Do
-Give. Be part of a worldwide effort to cure a disease that affects approximately 750,000 people worldwide. Every dollar helps.
-Pass it on. Forward this story to five people. Share this blog post. Become our fan on Facebook.
-Love harder. Life is short, love is unbending, and no one knows what could happen next. Tell someone you love them today.
Where Your Money Goes
-The American Institute of Philanthropy recently named The Multiple Myeloma Research Foundation one of the best organizations to give to in terms of their accountability and use of resources.
-By working closely with researchers, clinicians and partners in the biotech and pharmaceutical industry, the MMRF has helped bring multiple myeloma patients four new treatments that are extending lives around the globe.
-The MMRF has advanced twenty Phase I and Phase II clinical trials. They need your support to advance these clinical research programs and accelerate the development of better, more effective treatments.
-The MMRF’s Multiple Myeloma Genomics Initiative recently became the first to sequence the multiple myeloma whole genome in its entirety.
-A whopping 98% of your donation to the MMRF will be used immediately to support high-priority multiple myeloma research.
-With diminishing funding for early stage drug development and the next myeloma treatments not expected to be approved until 2011, the MMRF desperately needs your help.
Donate: http://www.loveharder.org
More info: http://www.themmrf.org
You know how sometimes you’ll take a huge plunge and everyone wigs and they’re all “but what if it doesn’t work out what are you gonna do?” and suddenly you start thinking “shit. Maybe I need a backup plan. Everyone seems to think I’m crazy because I don’t have one…” and then you start to think of one and realize it totally sucks because it’s not even what you wanted to do in the first place?
Well aside from the overwhelming support I’ve received from my friends and family regarding my freelancing plunge, which I know is NOTHING compared to the plunges others take, there are still people who think that when it’s all said and done, I need a back up plan. That the rug will be pulled out from under me at any minute and I’ll have nowhere to go. That I need a part-time job somewhere to ensure I have something “when” writing gets slow, bills get high(er) and I’m starting to freak out (more).
I don’t want to make a back up plan. I don’t want it to become THE plan as soon as things get tough and I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place. I don’t want to think “oh, well this is harder than I thought, I’ll secure myself a little tighter with this other nonsense I have sitting behind me for comfort. Just a little, for, you know, security.” I don’t want it to become the plan and one day before I know it I’m back on square one and gave up on my dream because things started to get tough and I freaked and grabbed my blankie.
I want to struggle (a little). I want there to be times where I realize I need to hunker down and crank out some work if I want to pay my student loan. I want to make myself nauseous from the procrastination I’m doing to myself, and I want there to be days when I’m up until 4am finishing up work because I sat around all day reading blogs instead of making money. I want to coordinate weeks where I do three times as much work so I can go visit out-of-town friends the following week without having to get anything done. I want to leave no trace of evidence that I work from home – a perfectly made bed, folded laundry, and dust-free furniture. I want to drink entire pots of coffee and give myself the shakes so I stay up all day and finish what I need to do.
If I have complete security and comfort, which so many of us see as a level of “achievement,” like we’ve all suddenly reached our goals and can sit and be there and stay there, what am I going to get out of it besides the cash? What’s going to teach me, tempt me, freak me out, or make me squirm of discomfort? I know in the end we all want that feeling, but thinking of the day where I sit back and say “yep, this is it. This is where I’m at and how it’s going to be for the rest of like, ever…” makes me realize how I’m not ready to be there. Maybe it’s because I’m too financially irresponsible and too obsessed with writing my thoughts on a blog for free rather than writing for as many paid publications as I can, but when I think of the second things start getting too settled, I get depressed. I try to find a new hobby, I realize the only thing I may have to do out of the ordinary for that day is the dishes, I get overly excited about TV shows, and then I realize that the only thing breaking up my standard, settled, planned-out and ordinary week is American Idol, and I get super depressed because really, American Idol should not excite me in the “oh good, my life has something new and exciting in it” way. If it’s the only thing changing up, I’m going to dictate that my life = boring, and I’m going to find something that has to change. Last time I started to feel this way, I moved out of my boyfriend’s apartment and we ended the relationship. A few months later, I started to feel it again so I quit my job and started freelancing. I wonder what I’ll do 6 months from now. Predictions?
Content is not good for me right now, and all a back up plan will give me is the chance of grabbing ahold of that feeling. I have no desire to feel absolutely at ease with where everything is right now, therefore I don’t need a backup plan. I may have failed math 3 times in college, but I can still figure out the logic here. I feel content with things when I’m not completely settled and content.
Also, I want to say thanks to everyone who has encouraged me and giving me so much support in making this decision, I know I talk about it a lot and you probably think “shutup and go write, woman” but I appreciate all the positive support and feedback I’ve received. I feel like Kristan was more excited about it than I was, which is awesome considering she is a writer I really admire. I don’t think I would have taken this plunge if it wasn’t for blogging and how strongly it’s impacted my life. I’m sure many of you know what I’m talking about and have had it affect you in the same way. So here’s a big virtual hug and a smooch, and that’s all the schmoop you’re getting today!
