An Open Letter to the DHL Driver Who Has Been Here 4 Times Without Leaving My Package

Hi. You have my skirt. I have talked to phone representatives from your warehouse four times in the last week. Each time, they are telling me you have arrived at my building and left because you could not get through the gate. The gate that has been open for months because my building is run by the mafia and they do not believe in fixing things unless it is at risk of causing a flood, fire, or murder.

Despite the fact that the gate is always open, I am going to give you the benefit of the doubt, you lying little liar. Here are a few things you can do if the gate is closed (it’s not closed):

1. Wait for someone who lives in the building to go in or out of the gate. This happens in 5 or less minute increments. They will open the gate with their clicker in order to go in or out. Once they open the gate and go in or out of it, you will be able to go in or out of it before it decides to close again. The best part is that once you are in the gate, you will not have to wait for someone else to go in or out of the gate in order to leave. You will not be trapped in the gated parking lot once you are inside of the gate. You will not need to bring snacks or water in case nobody decides to leave or arrive. Even if this were to happen, I’d let you break into my car and eat the Gardetto’s in my glove box from 2007. But none of that is going to happen because all you will have to do is pull up sort of close to the gate and it will automatically open for you. Kind of like how it is open now. Always open.

2. You could call me and tell me you are here with my package and would like me to let you inside the gate that is allegedly not open. I offered this solution to your phone representative during each of our four phone conversations, but they say the problem is that drivers are not equipped with company cell phones. Drivers, the people who work from the road, do not have company cell phones. I would gladly come down from my ivory tower and let you through the gate. I would even wait outside 30 minutes if your warehouse called me to let me know you are on your way to my allegedly closed gate. This is how far I am willing to go to make your job easier. Just short of getting in my car and driving 30 miles to pick up my package from your warehouse. I’d do that, but I don’t want to get in my car. It smells like old Gardetto’s.

3. You could park your truck in the small lot right in front of the allegedly closed gate and WALK YOUR BODY (and my package, preferably) THROUGH THE DOOR. That’s right. There is a door attached to the gate that any guest under 800 pounds can walk right through if the gate is closed. You can then walk to the front door, which is right next to the office. That’s where you can leave my package.

Choose wisely. I hope you haven’t tried on my skirt.

Mandy

Posted on March 7, 2013
This entry was posted in Life and tagged dhl, dhl drivers, just deliver my package, the gate is open.