You know how sometimes you’ll take a huge plunge and everyone wigs and they’re all “but what if it doesn’t work out what are you gonna do?” and suddenly you start thinking “shit. Maybe I need a backup plan. Everyone seems to think I’m crazy because I don’t have one…” and then you start to think of one and realize it totally sucks because it’s not even what you wanted to do in the first place?

Well aside from the overwhelming support I’ve received from my friends and family regarding my freelancing plunge, which I know is NOTHING compared to the plunges others take, there are still people who think that when it’s all said and done, I need a back up plan. That the rug will be pulled out from under me at any minute and I’ll have nowhere to go. That I need a part-time job somewhere to ensure I have something “when” writing gets slow, bills get high(er) and I’m starting to freak out (more).

I don’t want to make a back up plan. I don’t want it to become THE plan as soon as things get tough and I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place. I don’t want to think “oh, well this is harder than I thought, I’ll secure myself a little tighter with this other nonsense I have sitting behind me for comfort. Just a little, for, you know, security.” I don’t want it to become the plan and one day before I know it I’m back on square one and gave up on my dream because things started to get tough and I freaked and grabbed my blankie.

I want to struggle (a little). I want there to be times where I realize I need to hunker down and crank out some work if I want to pay my student loan. I want to make myself nauseous from the procrastination I’m doing to myself, and I want there to be days when I’m up until 4am finishing up work because I sat around all day reading blogs instead of making money. I want to coordinate weeks where I do three times as much work so I can go visit out-of-town friends the following week without having to get anything done. I want to leave no trace of evidence that I work from home – a perfectly made bed, folded laundry, and dust-free furniture. I want to drink entire pots of coffee and give myself the shakes so I stay up all day and finish what I need to do.

If I have complete security and comfort, which so many of us see as a level of “achievement,” like we’ve all suddenly reached our goals and can sit and be there and stay there, what am I going to get out of it besides the cash? What’s going to teach me, tempt me, freak me out, or make me squirm of discomfort? I know in the end we all want that feeling, but thinking of the day where I sit back and say “yep, this is it. This is where I’m at and how it’s going to be for the rest of like, ever…” makes me realize how I’m not ready to be there. Maybe it’s because I’m too financially irresponsible and too obsessed with writing my thoughts on a blog for free rather than writing for as many paid publications as I can, but when I think of the second things start getting too settled, I get depressed. I try to find a new hobby, I realize the only thing I may have to do out of the ordinary for that day is the dishes, I get overly excited about TV shows, and then I realize that the only thing breaking up my standard, settled, planned-out and ordinary week is American Idol, and I get super depressed because really, American Idol should not excite me in the “oh good, my life has something new and exciting in it” way. If it’s the only thing changing up, I’m going to dictate that my life = boring, and I’m going to find something that has to change. Last time I started to feel this way, I moved out of my boyfriend’s apartment and we ended the relationship. A few months later, I started to feel it again so I quit my job and started freelancing. I wonder what I’ll do 6 months from now. Predictions?

Content is not good for me right now, and all a back up plan will give me is the chance of grabbing ahold of that feeling. I have no desire to feel absolutely at ease with where everything is right now, therefore I don’t need a backup plan. I may have failed math 3 times in college, but I can still figure out the logic here. I feel content with things when I’m not completely settled and content.

Also, I want to say thanks to everyone who has encouraged me and giving me so much support in making this decision, I know I talk about it a lot and you probably think “shutup and go write, woman” but I appreciate all the positive support and feedback I’ve received. I feel like Kristan was more excited about it than I was, which is awesome considering she is a writer I really admire. I don’t think I would have taken this plunge if it wasn’t for blogging and how strongly it’s impacted my life. I’m sure many of you know what I’m talking about and have had it affect you in the same way. So here’s a big virtual hug and a smooch, and that’s all the schmoop you’re getting today!

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Tagged: feeling content, freelancing, taking the plunge, tough times on Thursday, January 14, 2010 · 16 Comments »